


Just Enjoy

by coffeeandcas



Series: Just The Way You Are [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Canon Compliant, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Emotional Baggage, Emotionally Repressed, M/M, Masturbation, Men of Letters Bunker, Porn, Porn with Feelings, Sexual Repression, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 11:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11508765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeandcas/pseuds/coffeeandcas
Summary: Dean continues to explore his desires, and when Cas walks in on him watching porn it leads to an interesting turn of events.Sequel to Just Feel, but can be read as a standalone.





	Just Enjoy

“I love…” Dean starts but can't finish. Cas is asleep, facing away from him on his side of the bed, and it's the middle of the night. He's lying close to the angel, one hand stroking his hip absently and he thought he would try and say it with nobody around to hear and Cas fast asleep and unable to respond. But he falls at the last hurdle. “…this.”

Ashamed, he closes his eyes and breathes deeply, counting to ten. He wants to love Cas openly and with no boundaries. The angel deserves it and it pains Dean daily knowing he's withholding the words, and by extension withholding part of his love. He sighs, watching as his breath shifts the dark hairs at the nape of Cas’ neck 

“I'm sorry, Cas. I'm sorry I can't say what you want to hear.” He inches closer, buries his face in the angel’s hair. “I want to. So bad. But I know you won't wait forever, man, and… what if I run out of time?”

The thought chokes him up so he pulls away to lie on his back and count sheep, forcing all thoughts of Cas leaving him for not reciprocating his love from his mind. He doesn't hear the subtle shift in the angel’s breathing.

*

The two guys onscreen are going _at it_. One, blonde and tanned, is on his knees and gripping the headboard while his partner kneels behind him and works two fingers inside his body. Dean is sitting shirtless on his bed in only his jeans watching, fascinated, as the two men on his laptop screen pleasure each other. He's been watching so many similar videos lately: one man getting fingered by the other and brought to climax, and he's come so hard thinking about Cas doing it to him. He's tried to ask, while they've been naked and grinding lazily against each other in bed, but in typical Repressed Winchester fashion the words won't come. He knows his feeling of shame and humiliation about enjoying sex with another man are unfounded and ludicrous but it doesn't change the fact that they exist, and whenever he and Cas try something new he's inevitably swamped by fear and doubt and is distant from his angel for a few days while he works through it.

A particularly deep groan from one of the guys on the laptop screen whips his attention back and he adjusts his cock in his jeans; they're uncomfortably tight but he doesn't want to take them off just yet. He can wait, he doesn't have to give in to his desires right away. He should wait…

He doesn't hear the door open. He's so gripped by the close-up shot of two thick fingers pushing in and out of the tight, lube-slick rim of the guy panting on his knees that he doesn't hear Cas come in. He doesn't hear the angel’s sharp intake of breath as he realises what Dean’s doing. He's so entranced by the pleasure he's witnessing and his own fantasies coming to life of being the guy on the screen while Cas works his fingers into him and finds that spot inside him that seems to be so pleasurable, and when he does finally realise he isn't alone he jumps as though scalded and slams the laptop shut before he realises what he's doing.

“Cas, you… I… I wasn't… Hi, Cas,” he finishes lamely, cheeks flushing as he ducks his head to hide his shame. Even now, mid-30s and in a relationship with his best friend, he's embarrassed to be caught watching gay porn because of an incident with his father when he was fifteen and curious. He still has the scar on the back of his thigh to remind him what men like John Winchester think of men like him. “Sorry, Cas.” The apology falls out before he can stop it. “I wasn't… I was just…”

“Dean, don't be ashamed.” Cas approaches him with tenderness in his eyes and a soft, reassuring smile at his lips. He runs a hand through Dean’s hair, trying to coax him to lift his head but it doesn't work. “Never be ashamed of exploring what you like. Please know I would never judge you.”

Dean opens his mouth to answer but closes it again before he can form words. He wants to say he knows, of course he knows, but some deep innate part of him still fears Cas will wake up one day and decide he doesn't want Dean any more, doesn't want to deal with all his baggage and his issues and his fear of his own body and the love they share together, and will peace on out to find someone easier to love. Someone who is in one piece instead of a million, someone who knows who they are and what they want without a voice in their head telling them it's wrong. He knows he's difficult to love. And every damn day he silently thanks Cas for trying.

Cas leans over and opens the laptop without another word, and the room is once again filled with soft moans and gasps as the two men onscreen reappear. Dean’s face flames scarlet but he can't help taking a peek at the screen from the corner of his eye. Now, the guy being fingered (the bottom, Dean supposes) is on his back and holding his own thigh up against his chest while his partner leans over him and they're kissing. It's hot and heavy, and a hand is moving rhythmically as the guy takes three fingers deep and moans.

“They're beautiful, aren't they?” Cas’ voice is hushed and close-by, as though talking to a skittish animal. “The way they're enjoying each other. There's no shame in wanting this, Dean. There's nobody here to judge you. It's only you and I right now.”

Dean shifts, his cock filling again after going soft when he realised Cas was standing near him. His jeans are definitely uncomfortably tight now, and he's aching to take himself out.

“Just enjoy it, Dean. Don't think too hard.” Cas straightens and turns to go, but Dean’s hand on his wrist stops him.

“Wait. Cas, please don't…” Come on, Dean. Spit it out, tell Cas what you want. It’s Cas. “Please stay.”

“All right.” Ever obedient and amenable to anything Dean desires, Cas smiles warmly at him. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just…” _Stay_. “Will you…” _Watch_ _me_. “I want to…” _I don't know what I want. But I want you_.

“I'll sit here,” Cas shrugs off his coat and blazer and sits down in the desk chair. “And you tell me what you want. As you want it.”

Shit. OK. Tell Cas what he wants, he can do this. He shifts on the bed to lie back, resting against the headboard and pulls the laptop a bit closer, angling it so Cas can see the screen as well, and they both turn their attention to it. There’s a close-up shot now of the two men kissing, eyes closed and moaning into each other’s mouths, and it reminds Dean of the way Cas kisses him when he has him pinned down beneath him. His hand strays to the front of his jeans and a small thrill of excitement pulses through him. What if he doesn’t want Cas to actually _do_ anything? What if he just wants him to watch? Does that make him deviant or wrong to want that? He sneaks a look over at the angel, who is sitting watching him intently with darkened, aroused eyes, and the look on his face boosts Dean’s confidence. Maybe Cas will enjoy watching him. They haven’t done this before, and it feels all kinds of naughty, but he wants to do it. He wants to get himself off in front of the angel, have him watch him climax while thinking of his hands, his fingers, pressing inside him and stimulating him in places he never considered letting anyone touch. A bitten-off groan escapes his lips. Fuck it.

He shifts his hips, unfastens the buttons of his jeans and pushes them down along with his boxers to mid-thigh. He hears Cas’ intake of breath as his cock springs free, hard and thick and desperate to be touched, the tip damp with precome. On the laptop screen the shot is once again of the guy getting fingered, moaning, eyes closed and sweat beading on his forehead. Huffing out a breath of arousal, nerves, and something in between, Dean wraps a hand around his cock and strokes slowly, base to tip, eyes on the screen. He knows without looking that Cas’ eyes are on him and if he isn’t mistaken the angel is gripping the arms of the chair hard enough to splinter them. He gives himself a couple of gentle strokes then raises his palm to his mouth and laps at it, meeting Cas’ eyes as he does so. The angel looks wrecked, and his erection is more than visible in the front of his pants. Cas shifts in his chair, his gaze dropping back to Dean’s exposed groin, and he takes himself in hand again and starts stroking, listening to the breathy moans and desperate gasps coming from the laptop.

“You're gorgeous, Dean.” Cas’ voice is low and breathy. “More beautiful than both of them put together.”

Dean’s hand twitches on his cock and he laughs shakily. “You're blind.”

“I am not.” He doesn't look at Cas, too fixated by the guys onscreen, but he knows the angel is smiling. “Jimmy Novak had perfect vision, as do I. I know beauty when I see it.”

He doesn’t know how to respond to that so he says nothing, just flicks his eyes back to the screen where the blonde guy is close to coming on his partner’s fingers, his cock wet and needy between his thighs, and it’s enough to push Dean into his own fantasises. His free hand wanders up to caress his nipples, first the left then the right, and he hears Cas’ breath hitch. He closes his eyes, tips his head back against the wall, and jacks himself with firmer strokes, drawing himself towards orgasm with the help of the erotic sounds from the laptop, Cas’ gaze fixed on him, and his own imagination. He pictures himself asking Cas over to the bed, stripping off his jeans and pulling the angel’s hand between his thighs. Pictures the sensation of Cas’ thumb circling his entrance, wet with lube, dipping inside to stretch him just a little. He moans quietly, arching into his hand, feeling pleasure coiling low in his stomach. He imagines himself on his hands and knees, Cas behind him eating him out and rimming him just the way he likes, but adding in a finger. Then a second. Finding that spot inside him… he can’t imagine what it will feel like but he knows Cas will make it good. He gasps then moans helplessly, canting his hips up to thrust into his hand, his orgasm heading for him at lightning speed and hears Cas encourage him, telling him he’s gorgeous and he groans as his cock thickens and pulses in his hand. Then it hits him and he’s coming with the image of Cas’ fingers inside him and their mouths crushed together, Cas holding him close so clear in his mind. On the laptop, the blonde guy comes too, with a low shout, and Dean’s chest heaves as he spills over his hand and stomach. There’s a presence at his side and he reaches out blindly, a second pulse of pleasure cresting over him and he spills a second load, gasping helplessly as his body spasms and his muscles tighten. He wants Cas to finger him, wants him so badly… a hand grips his, twisting their fingers together, then a warm mouth presses to his and he’s kissing his angel, gasping through the aftershocks as Cas strokes his cheek and tells him he’s beautiful.

“Fuck… Cas, fuck. Did you… was that…”

“You’re incredible, Dean. Watching you ride out your pleasure is… I don’t have words for it. Watching you let go and just enjoy, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

He blushes and hideshis face in Cas’ neck, feeling a warm pulse of grace caress his skin as Cas cleans him up. Then he pulls the angel onto the bed with him, snapping the laptop closed with his foot and kicking it away. They curl up close to each other, Dean still trying to catch his breath and fighting a wave of anxiety as he realises what he just did. Masturbating to porn in front of his boyfriend, what if Cas thinks he’s…

“Stop it.” The angel’s lips caress his neck and his hands move over his chest, stroking his skin and calming him. “Stop thinking. That was amazing.”

“Do you want me to take care of you?” He snakes his hand down to Cas’ groin but he’s batted away gently.

“No. I’m fine. I want to lie here with you, Dean.” Cas is silent for a moment. “Maybe, if you want to, we could try that one day. What they were doing in the video you found. If you want to.” He’s kissed, Cas’ tongue gently demanding entry. “Only if you’re ready.”

Only if he’s ready. Cas will never push him, never force him to do anything and would never shame him for having desires he struggles to voice. He’s overcome so many hurdles since starting this thing up with Cas, and t feels like he’s just smashed another. He acknowledges that he wants Cas that way, wants to try something new and is shedding his feelings of shame about it. He cuddles close, thinking three little words but not saying them. Not just yet.

“You know what?” Feeling warm, sated, and safe with Cas, he smiles and brushes a thumb across the angel’s lips. “I think I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my 40th work posted on AO3, whoop!


End file.
